Heavy Hearted Holiday

I took a break from blogging the past couple days.  My heart has been heavy..While I was gearing up for friends and family to gather at my home (which I absolutely love), I also have had a very heavy heart..  I miss Bubby.  It’s been a little over two years. It sometimes feels like the shock of his death is slowly lifting off of me, little by little… like my body and mind are slowly letting it sink in.  Maybe I wouldn’t be able to handle his loss if I fully acknowledged it all at once?  Maybe I would have lost my mind?  I don’t know, but what I do know is that I still go through the crushing realization that he is gone… just in small spurts.  I think it has been the same for others.  One of his friends made an emotional phone call to me yesterday from his grave site.  Another had posted about him on Facebook.  He had such an impact on so many lives.  I don’t really speak about my sadness and loneliness out loud.  I only want to speak words of positivity, encouragement.. I strive to make the kind of impact on others lives like he did.  But the aching heart is here..some days it aches more than others, but it’s here.  The loneliness is here.  I know he wants me to be happy. .. I know because I feel him. I physically feel him.  I don’t speak about that out loud either, but I do.  I may not ever get rid of this ache.  It may stay this intense for the rest of my life.  I will continue to learn to live with it.. I will continue to be grateful for my friends and family.. I will continue to love my children and grandchildren with all the love I have to give.  … I will continue to have everyone over for holidays.. I will continue to live the life my Bubby would be proud to see me live.  I love and miss you handsome boy.  Happy Easter….

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